I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
