I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
