He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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