my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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