Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Randomize
