And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
