I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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