I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
