Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
