I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
