you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
