I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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