i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
