apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
