you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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