I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
