Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize