pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
