Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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