Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
