my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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