You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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