I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
