Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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