All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
