woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
