I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
