i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
