he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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