You really coming over, don't trick.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
