it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
