in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hippo gnu deer
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
