I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
