If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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