Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize