There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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