How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
