i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
