Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
