so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
