Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
