Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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