I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
