just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
