i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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