Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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