i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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