shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
