Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
