Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
