What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
