Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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