butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
as a side note pls kill me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
