I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
