Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Text me some of your sweat
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
