Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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